WILL THE REAL CARPOOLERS STAND UP?!

Our carpool morning starts each day with driver Lucille sticking her head out the window and shouting Boogety! Boogety! Boogety! This is, after all, the South! And some of us are definitely NASCAR fans.

Now I see that ABC has a new series, that has debuted to VERY mixed reviews, entitled “Carpoolers”. From the description of the various characters riding in ABC’s fictional carpool, they are entirely too predictable and tame. Consequently,I am offering our carpool’s services as a consultant to ABC on the series so that it’s realistic and, more importantly, so it will be intelligent and FUNNY. If not the current series, we’ll be happy to consult – for a suitably outrageous fee – on a new series. Just don’t ask 2 of us to ever live there again!

Lucille is an experienced legal secretary with zero patience for lackadaisical drivers. Because she lived (if you can call it that) in Los Angeles for some 40 years, she has the art of aggressive driving down pat. That is why, although it is MY car we use, it is Lucille that drives. I-95 is no place for sissies and I freely admit that, except for short hops, I find myself a complete wuss vis-a-vis I-95, in spite of the fact that I too lived for a very long time in Los Angeles (20 years). On the other hand, I am complete cynic yet oddly sentimental, and a consummate smart-mouth – equaled (but never exceeded) by Lucille. And did I mention that of all the humans walking planet earth, Lucille is by far my very favorite! But I am the better cook!

The other riders are a mixed group:

Hope is a paralegal, a unique and beautiful woman with two gorgeous small daughters and an adoring husband. Hope’s intelligence is phenomenal and her patience with foolishness is nearly non-existent. She is, in a word, a complete treasure.

Erica is also a paralegal, from Jamaica, young and an aspiring science fiction screenwriter, fueled both by her inate creativity and a desire to get out of law firms. I can’t fault her for fueling the first and feeling the latter. She sees herself as a certain kind of person; I’d never tell her this to her face, but she is so much more than she thinks she is able to be.

Janet appears to be – at least on the surface – “the little woman”. If you buy into that facade, you will do yourself a disservice. Whether she has kept it hidden from us or it is just surfacing in recent months, her wicked wit and humor are delightful. And more of the true Janet emerges every day, an emergence that is seriously good fun to watch.

During that hour plus commute, twice daily, many topics are discussed. For example, Erica has an enormous attraction to Hispanic men with very thin legs. I have suggested that she get her own website: chickenlegs.com but she has resisted that suggestion. Therefore, if you men on I-95 wonder why a car full of women is checking you out so intently – it’s us and we’re trolling for chicken legs. There are also discussions of those things that especially concern a woman as young as Erica – and she is considerably younger than 3 of us in the carpool.

Sometimes the subject of work arises in our conversation, but more often we find ourselves discussing Jason v. Sonny on General Hospital. Erica is mad for Jason and I am a staunch Sonny fan. Those dimples! And let the record reflect that when Erica and I are absorbed in our discussion, Lucille often feigns falling asleep from boredom and Janet and Hope quietly veer off in their own conversational direction.

Recently we have discussed the kind of house Erica will build when she is a famous screenwriter living in Hollywood. We haven’t had the heart to tell her that she really wouldn’t want to LIVE in Hollywood, except in a metaphorical sense. More importantly, it had never occurred to her that she cannot have the brick house she has always wanted if she chooses to live in Southern California. She actually asked if L.A. really did have earthquakes and we assured her that in less than a year, she would become INTIMATELY acquainted with the damned things.

So if ABC’s version of Carpoolers is as bad as the reviews have led me to believe, it’s their own darned fault if they get canceled. They didn’t consult US!

We are smarter, funnier and – with Lucille behind the wheel – we’re one heck of a lot faster!